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Dave

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truth [Dec. 7th, 2014|10:25 pm]
Dave
I just got a thing in the mail that honest-to-god allows me to give people the gift of a goat for Christmas.

So y'all better tell me EXACTLY what you want for Christmas, cause otherwise you're getting a goat.

Oh shit - I can give people a water buffalo. That's insane.

This catalog literally lets me buy people the "Gift of Women's Empowerment" for $10,000. Holy fuck.

"Your gift will help women who have few resources and little self-esteem bring new energy, ideas, jobs, and change to their families and communities."

I CAN BUY YOU SELF-ESTEEM SO YOU CAN BRING JOBS TO YOUR FAMILIES.

AND IT'S FUCKING EXPENSIVE.

For $30, I can buy you bees. Fuck all of this. I don't care what you want. You're all getting bees.
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BIGGEST SNUB EVER [Feb. 24th, 2009|10:31 pm]
Dave
The Oscars, in their deceased list, omitted several people. Some are a bit mouth-gape inducing, like George Carlin and Anita Page.

But they actually omitted

DON LAFONTAINE

.

He not only voiced over pretty much every trailer in the past two decades, but he was the announcer at THE OSCARS, most recently in 2007!!

*biggest facepalm ever*

Whoever runs the Academy should be shot.
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uh [Nov. 15th, 2008|06:01 am]
Dave
These are my top 6 played songs on iTunes...

6. Wonderwall, Oasis, 7 plays
5. The Middle, Jimmy Eat World, 7 plays
4. Calling You, Blue October, 7 plays
3. Attack, System of a Down, 8 plays
2. Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol, 11 plays
1. Sweater Song, Weezer, 21 plays

If I take my top artists by play count, it's Dane Cook (104), Weezer (26), System of a Down (24), Linkin Park (18), Blue October (17), Green Day (16), and the All American Rejects (14).

WHERE IS AVRIL. GODDAMNIT. And wtf is my fascination with the sweater song!?

(EDIT: I wish iTunes calculated "total elapsed listening time" as well, since I'm betting this would radically change these totals, as I tend to mercilessly skip song endings. The above list is very likely "what is the product of my favorite songs and those whose endings I like to hear?")
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Dave thoughts [Nov. 8th, 2008|06:09 pm]
Dave
Video games - and movies - are worlds with endings. The characters eventually say everything they have to say. You can no longer hear something new from them. But you CAN learn - emotionally and intellectually - by repeat exposure to whatever they've already said. Their world has an end... but in your mind, there's no ending.

-

Most learning - and it's funny, because people never get this far - is about the fundamentals. It's about combining the fundamentals in new and more complex ways. Learning is just a big spiral over and over with the SAME fundamentals, as you slowly master each one more and more and more. And, of course, it all depends on what fundamentals you concentrate on. But repeated focus on the fundamentals - on what you've already heard - that's all mastery is.

-

Take Robert Downey Jr. There's a lot to be learned from him - intellectually, emotionally... even physically if you're female. But what parts of that learning benefit you? If you don't know what path you're on, you can glean all you want - even from the best - and it will expand you in this spherical blob of enlightenment. And that blob is great, but it's not directional. I don't know how much accomplishment means to you, but it's much easier to accomplish if your learning - the momentum of your evolution - is directional.

-

I like learning, and expanding the number people in my life so that I can learn from all of them... which is why LA is so difficult. It's hard to learn from average people in LA, and finding the people who can really teach you - the ones who can expand you - is near impossible. Finding PRETTY people in LA is easy. I always talk about candy and vegetables... the extended metaphor. Some of each are necessary, but in the end, vegetables make you stronger, and ultimately, they make you feel better. LA has a lot of candy and then quite a few hidden vegetables. Granted, other areas of the country have a lot of... dirt. Wherever you are, it's hard to find the vegetable piles. And then you have to find the ones that are tasty. Because even if they're vegetables, it helps if they taste a little like candy.

-

There may be a striation in the mental abilities of all people, but even if you haven't been blessed with much, you can still do a HELL of a lot with what you have. Most people don't realize that.

-

The ideal American president, to me, would be a coach. Someone who brought the whole country up. Someone who led but who also inspired. Someone who wasn't afraid to kick your ass if you weren't doing a good enough job. There are huge differences between a CEO, a professor, and a coach, and I think the country has suffered because of our lack of a good coach.
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(no subject) [Oct. 24th, 2008|12:48 pm]
Dave
So Pats... Rodney Harrison? CAREER-ending leg injury? I am pleased. I smell 60 seats in the Senate, and it smells of mahogany and old paper and Harry Reid's medical products. *deep breath*

And on a serious note, you were an enormous douchebag sometimes, Rodney, but you were one hell of a safety and likely an amazing team captain. The Pats couldn't have done it without you. I hope that leg heals 100% and that you enjoy your retirement.
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(no subject) [Oct. 20th, 2008|11:40 pm]
Dave
McCain is very, very slowly starting to make a comeback.

And the Patriots are crushing the Broncos. 41-7.

Can someone PLEASE hamstring Vrabel? Or Moss? I WANT SIXTY SENATE SEATS AND A COOL PRESIDENT THANK YOU.
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(no subject) [Oct. 13th, 2008|10:32 pm]
Dave
I am apparently as sick as Schroedinger's dog.
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(no subject) [Oct. 12th, 2008|10:35 pm]
Dave
I'm all for "Take Your Daughter To Work Day". But having them play as the Pats' cornerbacks was a bit much.

Obama++
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(no subject) [Oct. 10th, 2008|02:32 am]
Dave
Memo to Tom Brady: Please catch some form of weird, debilitating illness that keeps you completely away from football for the next 8 months, and please accidentally pass it on to Vrabel and/or Welker and/or Belichick. I rather fancy 60 seats in the Senate.

And to everyone else - who the fuck are these people that believe John McCain and Sarah Palin are the best choice for the presidency? People at work FINALLY turned around (and where I work, that's special) - there isn't a conservative that'll be voting on election day. But... I understand that McCain has experience, but he also has age. A lot of age. And he'd have no idea what to do with the presidency at all. And his campaign has become a parody of itself.

Who is dumb enough to watch the train wreck continue and loudly exclaim, "That's my man!"

And to all of my friends - my dad has started to repeat absolutely mind-bogglingly tedious right-wing radio talking points. Should I get him a Sirius so he'll have something else to listen to on his drives, or has the damage already been done? Do we have a talented friend somewhere who can become a radio host? You'd only need a few million fans to be a national presence.
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The Controversial Survey [Sep. 29th, 2008|10:00 pm]
Dave
[1] Do you have the guts to answer these questions and re-post as The Controversial Survey?
No. I think with my brain and type with my fingers. My guts are working on pizza.

[02] Would you do meth if it was legal?
I hate math. Oh meth. I would never have sex with meth, legal or no. She's a little hefty.

[03] Abortion: for or against it?
I am pro-life, if it's my life. I believe abortion is murder, and frankly, fetuses haven't sinned enough to be aborted. Once they become adults, I would abort all of the sinners.

[04] Do you think the world would fail with a female US president?
Yes, because she'd end up lactating all over the Constitution. That, plus Sarah Palin is clearly retarded, and that means most females are. The entire world would fail within 7 months of a woman being sworn in as US president.

[05] Do you believe in the death penalty?
They report on it every so often, but I've never seen it, so unless I see it with my own eyes, no.

[06] Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already?
Oh sweet Jesus yes. Modern technology and civilization, what with its cars and microwave ovens and airplanes and fireworks and carpet and light bulbs and soft clothing and plentiful food from all corners of the earth and chocolate and vibrators and don't even get me started on the internet and televisions and enormous CGI movies and balloons and mirrors and democracy and exercise equipment and bouncy balls and advanced medical care is honestly not enough to make me happy. For that, I need legal marijuana.

[07] Are you for or against premarital sex?
Against.

[08] Do you believe in God?
Not with a capital letter, no. But Jesus lived and Mohammed lived and Oprah lived and that is enough for me.

[09] Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized?
Yes for lesbians, but no for gay men, only because they're so absolutely wacky when you electrocute them. Marriage should only be between something and a woman.

[10] Do you think it's wrong that so many immigrants are moving into the country?
I'd feel much weirder if people were immigrating out of this country, as it would rock the fundamentals of my understanding of the English language.

And no, because immigrants are just so damned hot and so damned easy.

[11] A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it?
How did she get it? I'm not for twelve year olds stealing babies. If she stole it, she should give it back. But if it was a gift to her from someone, she can do whatever she wants with it. I'd sell it, were I twelve. Babies are worth a lot.

[12] Should the alcohol age be increased to 21?
I've heard of the Stone Age, the Bronze Age, and the Iron Age, but I have never heard of the Alcohol Age. I'm not sure when we started drinking, but I think people in the Bible drank before Jesus was born, so I'd probably keep the Alcohol Age whenever it is - like 200 BC?

[13] Should the war in Iraq be called off?
Yes. On an actual phone. It should go like this:
*ring ring*
"Hello. This is General American."
"Hello General. This is the President. End the war."
"Yes, Mr. President."
"Ok thanks. How've you been?"
"Oh, pretty good. It's kind of hot outside."
"Yeah it is. I'd talk more, but your mom's calling me. It's almost dinnertime."
"Ok, Mr President."
"Good bye, General American. I love you."
"I love you too! Bye."
"Bye."

[14] Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?
Yes.... was this a trick question? It is illegal. Maybe - did you mean worldwide? Then it's no for some places. I'm not sure what you're asking. So no - I don't agree.

[15] Do you believe in spanking your children?
Mine and other people's. Kids have the firmest little asses.

[16] Would you burn your country's flag for a million dollars?
Christ yes. I'd eat the flag for a million dollars.

[17] Who do you think would make a better US president? McCain or Obama?
Which McCain and which Obama? Ahhhhh - I see your tricks!
If you mean John McCain and Barack Obama, I think John McCain would, because he has the more American name. Barack Obama can be president of Mus-land.

[18] What is the biggest problem with society that needs to be dealt with?
Unintelligent unaborted unChristian sinners.
And fat people.

[19] Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?
No. But I'm afraid I'll judge myself. =(
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